The Depth of Me

I don’t know how many will read this, or who might judge it or mock it, but this blog is mine and this is my voice and if it helps even one person, then writing it is worth it to me. I am diving into the part of this blog that scares me, but one that I feel very inspired to share. We all have our times of heartache and trial in life and the two things that can turn that negative experience into something I believe is truly beautiful is by two blessings I believe come through the grace of God and the gift of the atonement.

1. The growth within our character from whatever experience we have gone through and survived because of strength.

2. Being able to help and serve others through similar struggle with the power of compassion and empathy and the words of advice to truly make a difference and aid that growth, change and triumph in another.

Number two is my biggest reason for sharing my story and opening it up to the public, but it is because of number one that I am even able to, so both play a key role in what I believe to be the greatest blessing through our trial. I honestly feel that the only thing that makes going through something difficult truly worth it all, is being able to help someone else get through it as well. There are so many different trials we can face in life, but the one I want to share with you is that of child sexual abuse.

I have never written this out before, but for those of you who didn’t know-I was sexually abused as a child. It started when I was 3, so I don’t honestly remember much of who I was before, and that is and always has been the hardest part for me. I do not plan on going into detail as to who it was, as I have forgiven them, but was fortunate enough to not have it be anyone close to me like family-I cannot even imagine what that must be like-and for that I am grateful and am so sorry for any of those who have had to go through that. My experience with abuse went on for years-5 to be exact, and although this may seem really strange to those who do not understand the inner workings of abuse,  I always thought they were just a bad dream I had and that it could not possibly have happened, although I still had my suspicions, the fact was always easier to deny and forget…that is until I came to know the truth of my past my freshman year of college. My.world.fell.apart.

I will not go into a lot of detail other than the feelings and healing involved. I remember wondering who I was, who I could have been, what I had lost, if it was my fault, why I was meant to suffer through such a thing, where my Father in Heaven was during that time and why he let it happen to me, if I could ever get past it and live a normal and healthy life with marriage and a family, and how to figure out what had happened to me as I felt I had to recall the details to be able to move past it. If you or someone you know is feeling of this darkness please know for yourselves or tell them-you are special. You are the victor of your challenges not the victim of them and you have the potential to be better than you could have been because of them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from your experiences. It is absolutely not your fault. You were not meant to suffer but to thrive gloriously. Our loving Father in Heaven is there watching, comforting, longing for each of us to meet the challenges he allows to come into our lives so that we can become our best versions of ourselves and through our faith, diligence and endurance obtain glory with him forever. You can and will get past it and you will live a beautiful life full of joy if you can allow the spirit of love and the atonement of Christ to heal you and by so doing marriage and a family are indeed possible. The details do not matter-don’t put yourself through that-if you can accept what has happened and choose to grow because of it those are the only details that matter.

If nothing else, please just know how truly loved and strong you must be to be entrusted with such a hardship and loose yourself in that positive thinking as you help others to do the same. I promise you, if you do this, not only will you get through the trial, but you will find joy in the journey and you will even enjoy the blessing of such a trial. I know it is hard to see at first when you are feeling used and worthless and “broken” as I used to often think of myself, but these are not the thoughts our Heavenly Father wants you to have for yourself-nor are they true. They are the inner workings of Satan hoping such an event will leave you miserable, like unto himself. Cast out the fear and the doubt and embrace the light, peace, joy and love with all the energy you have within you and I promise you, they will be yours.

I have been so blessed to find a man who has accepted me and loved me for all that I am. I had never really liked the physical side of relationships. This may sound weird but it was more of a chore and my due diligence in the relationship than anything else. I will never forget one night that all changed when Ben and I were sitting in his car talking one night and he reached for my hand. I cringed a little not knowing if I wanted him to or not. The feelings that came over me where so surprising. He gently began stroking my fingers and I could not help but feel special and cared for. I looked up meeting his eyes that were filled with love, compassion and selflessness showing no personal gain-just wanting to make me feel good. I will never forget the sweetness in his eyes. It was the first time that I felt completely safe and completely good while being touched and I wanted to freeze that moment in time for fear I would never feel that love and beauty again.

I have always struggled with relationships and the fear of opening up and being intimate with someone. That struggle intensified with Ben as I realized that this time I would be allowing someone into my life in an even more intimate way and…forever. Although I felt so strongly of it being right to be with Ben and I would be safe and loved and cared for, fear still snuck in at times and honestly still does. I still remember telling Ben in the middle of our engagement that I did not know if I could go through with the marriage because of the intimacy. I was too afraid to tell him my real concerns like being worried intimacy would trigger my horrible, terrifying flashbacks and would leave me unable to satisfy Ben in that way, and that I could never be a good enough marital partner because I thought I was too damaged. He looked at me with a very concerned look on his face, and gently gave my hand he was holding a loving squeeze, but said nothing about the topic before taking me home. I was so worried he was going to break it off for fear I would never be able to commit to him on that level. It is so hard to open up and be honest, but I felt I owed Ben that much regardless of my fear of doing so.

A few days later he asked me if I was wondering what he was thinking that night-of course I was, but I did not know if I wanted to know or not. He gently and sweetly took my hand and while looking me in the eyes told me, “Danae, I wanted to make sure I really thought it through before talking to you, because intimacy is a big deal to me and a part of life I want to share with you when we are married, but if being married to you meant I could never have that in my life-I still want to be with only you. If that means we spend the rest of our life cuddling together, that will be enough for me.” I was so overwhelmed with his love and respect for me and what I was going through and it felt so good to know I was still wanted. Once I knew it was not required or expected, I was able to find that desire for myself, knowing this time it was my choice. There was a great healing that came in that moment because of my best friend and the man that I loved so much then and even more deeply now.

I share this intimate part of my life because it is such a huge aspect of what makes Ben and I who we are as a couple and also to give those of you wondering if you will ever make it to a successful intimate marriage, that is is more than possible and you are worthy of such love, for that is truly how God designed it to be. Please don’t ever let yourself give up on that. Ever. I will forever be grateful to the Lord and Ben for bringing so much grace and beauty to something that once only brought darkness into my life. Don’t ever let the way Satan twists the divine gifts and blessings God has intended for his children into something, dark and evil. Satan is good at doing that and we have to fight to keep that virtue and make sure that the good is protected and rings the most true.

Make the good-Christ, Our Father in Heaven, the atonement, the Gospel and Love the biggest part of your life and I promise you, you will find and obtain all that you are hoping for in your life. I am not promising you there will not be times that you struggle with it-I still do, but by knowing how to apply these concepts and ideals you can conquer that as well as any problem you may come across in life with success.

The Big 21, Fun n’ the Sun and Jack Daniels

My 21st birthday was full of theme park and water fun! My parent’s paid for Ben and I to go to Lava hot Springs with them and that turned into quite an adventure with Ben’s “short cut” that made it take twice as long to get there because we got lost. Good thing even in times of lost frustration I have a cute and fun guy around to keep me company and make it not-so-bad. We did eventually got there and we had a blast (so much in fact that..you guessed it…no pictures of our fun-not even of the hostess cupcake my family gave me so they could sing “happy birthday” *sigh) between splashing in the pool to going off the high platforms it was quite the party for my big day!

That same week, Ben and I had a little celebration of our own when he took me to Lagoon! I love him SO much-almost as much as Lagoon ;). I don’t think he could have picked a better gift. Memory building experiences far out way little material things, if you ask me, and I could not think of a better investment for the money he had set aside for my birthday. Is it just me, or is there something really romantic about cuddling while enjoying rides at theme parks with a guy you are totally crazy about? The churros and dippin’ dots were the icing on the cake!

Of course, what is a birthday without a little material souvenir (which also doubles as a super fun memory building experience), so after a little a lot of begging, Ben finally caved and paid the ridiculous price for those good old fashioned photos they do in Pioneer Village. Worth.every.penny. Not to mention it was a BLAST getting all dressed up and having a little fun together. I have wanted to get some taken for years! I still LOVE these pictures, which now grace our master bedroom walls.

There were even Jack Daniels bottles for the BIG-finally legal 21 (the staff insisted)! Using them as props in the pictures was about as exciting as it got though, folks. You see, turning 21 really made no difference in my drinking habits at all because my true drink favorite-ROOT beer-has always been legal! But the pictures were fun and can I just say that my man is fine! Thanks for getting into it with me, babe-you were a such trooper and really held your own for the pictures and you looked good!

Ben always makes my birthday so special and fun! I look forward to what he has planned that he is keeping secret every year! Thanks for an incredible 21st birthday, babe!

A Wedding, White Pine and a fish tale

The end of Summer 2008 was pretty laid back with not much going on other than work and such, but things got a bit crazy and exciting when my family’s traditional backpacking trip to White Pine fell on the same day as one of Ben’s best friends wedding. Determined to do both we woke up early, got all gussied up for the wedding and I ran to the store to grab last minute backpacking essentials while Ben finished packing up what we already had for the backpacking trip, but not before Ben taking these somewhat random pictures in his favorite “fancy outfit” of mine as he called it. I was cool with the first picture, but had no idea he was going keep on snapping them…but with what little pictures I have of us then, I’ll take what I can get!

It was Jeff and Krystal Hortin’s wedding and was at the Bountiful Temple-same as mine and Ben’s, so it was fun to go back for a wedding there so soon after our own. I unfortunately have no pictures (even thought I actually DID think about it and want to), because we had to cruise if we wanted to make the 2 hour drive (for any of you who do not know where White Pine is it is a hike that starts at Tony’s Grove-which is about halfway through the Logan canyon on the way to Bear Lake) and make the 3 1/2 mile hike before it got dark. We rushed home, changed into our less formal backpacking attire, and we were on our way (a good 6 hours behind my family), but we eventually made it even if we had to race the sun as we hurried along the trail.

I am not going to lie, I did not mind enjoying the hike up the mountain just Ben and I. This was his FIRST time there and I was so excited to show him one of the most beautiful and special places in my life. I loved telling him about the special memories I had there and making more with him. The hike went by much faster than I ever remember as we talked and laughed and giggled and just enjoyed being together out away from it all.

We arrived to camp just as the sun was setting and had to rush to get our tent and everything set up in the little light that was left in the day. It was fun talking and laughing and telling stories with my family that was there (it has usually just been me and the boys, but this time my sister Cami came too). My parents were also hosting one of their Japanese foreign exchange students (they have had, I think about 7 -some more than once-stay with them since I graduated High School and LOVE having them-one would think 10 children is enough, but my parents are just that amazing!). The best part of it all was getting to get away-literally-from it all and just have fun with Ben.

The next day was full of fun festivities including the traditional hike to the cave up in the cliffs surrounding the lake at white pine. Let me tell you it is BEAUTIFUL at White Pine!  For all my fellow Utahns, if you have never been, I HIGHLY recommend it! The hike to the cave is pretty difficult and steep, but the views once you get to the top are SO worth it!

Breakfast, the hike, the cave and the coolest part-Ben randomly turning into Iron Man inside the cave. Cool special effect between the reflective clothing and the flash of a camera, although Ben will still tell you he is the real deal.

Check out those views and I LOVED getting to share them with Ben for the first time! Can you find the trail we followed to get here and the man fishing at the lake?

After making the trip down we all played at the lake for a while. We even made a raft and went cruising around the lake, jumping/diving off of it and swimming and playing around in the water. We were too busy splashing and having fun to think about pictures-unfortunately-it was a COOL raft! My family left right after lunch, but Ben and I decided to stay to get in as much time as possible where we got there so late the day before.

Cami decided to stay with us. We hung out and lounged in the tent and snacked a bit and then headed back to the lake for some more water fun-my FAVORITE! We went to the other end of the lake this time, where tons of logs (big enough you could walk along them with no worry of even needing to balance) and began playing on them. There were SO many fish swimming around them that I did not want to get in (I might add here that I did have a big carp bite onto my big toe in Willard Bay while boating with friends in college-I may or may not have been wearing metallic turquoise nail polish-but needless to say, being bit by a fish once was enough adventure for even me), so instead we just stayed on the non-biting, huge tree that lay in the water and played there.

It wasn’t too long after first exploring on it that I found a fishing line with a hook at one end, complete with one of those fake metallic flies. I was just glad none of us had stepped on it, but Ben had the brilliant all-boy idea of playing with it. “Put it in the water.” he would tell me (I have never fished, other than at a fish farm, which does not count) and I did not want to for fear a fish would get it and the thick line would cut my hand or something (pathetic, I know). Ben kept reassuring me that a fish probably would not grab on and was determined to prove it to me. He put it down in the water for about 2 seconds and said, “see.” and began pulling it back up. Just as he did we saw a fish from the other side of the log swim under it and grab it! So much for Ben’s theory. Cami, Ben and I just stood there completely shocked. We immediately tried to free it (since we had not meant to and were not licensed and such) but the hook would not come out! I was freaking out about the poor thing being in pain so Ben decided we should probably just kill it and take it home with us. So we did just that. Quite the crazy story though-not bad for a first time illegal exciting fishing experience.

It was not too long after our “criminal” act-maybe I should not be telling you all about this…that we packed up camp and started the hike back to the car to go home. We made it to the car just as the sun was beginning to go down, but at least we got every minute in white pine that we could. It was definitely a fun, exciting and memorable trip! We always talked about wanting to go back soon and have yet to do so, so we may need to put it on our list for our summer activities this year. :)

Our First BIG purchase

Being newlyweds and with me working in Brigham any 6-8 hours between 6 am and midnight and Ben working in Logan with a landscaping company all day, we REALLY needed 2 vehicles. It turned out Ben’s good friend, Spencer, was selling his bike for a good price (and you can’t beat the cost of gas with those things-$8 bucks to fill up and it lasted over a week) so we made our first big purchase as a married couple-we bought this bike! Enjoy the pictures we took to sell it (once again no fun memory pictures-we were too busy having fun on it to bother with them, I guess.)

I LOVED this thing! (I have always loved motorcycles). My mother was a little less thrilled, and the fact that we got our bike around the same time my little brother Casey got his did not help that fact too much. I did share her same fear to a point. I still remember being VERY nervous every time Ben had to go to Logan and back through Sardine Canyon everyday. Ben, on the other hand-LOVED it! The only time he did not really care for it was in the fall when the weather was cooler freezing, especially since he had to leave at 6:00 a.m. to be there in time (you see, the bike maxed out at 85 mph and you know 250s are fun for cruisin’ through town but they lack a bit of umph on the bigger, faster roads).Trying to be a dutiful and loving wife, I would wake up and help him stuff things like socks and wash cloths up his coat sleeves to help with the wind chill. It was a pretty random and silly routine, but one I assure you (and Ben will back me up on this) was necessary.

I really had a lot of fun on that thing once I got the hang of it. Although it was a bit small for Ben is was PERFECT for me. It had been years since I had driven a motorcycle and so it made my first time driving through town on my own a bit…interesting. He will never let me live it down, but it is a pretty funny story so I guess I will just tell you before he does. Ben was following behind me in our car and I was stopped at a very busy (well for my hometown, anyway) intersection in Brigham City.  I was waiting next to a car full of what looked like high school boys and just as it was time to get up and go for the green light-I killed it-while of course, sporting my cute humiliating, hot pink, glittery helmet (it was the ONLY one that fit at the store and we needed one stat!). Stressed about not wanting to just sit there, looking stupid, during a green light, I quickly got it going again. It may have been a little too quickly because I ended up popping a wheelie in the process. Maybe that bike had some “umph” after all. I became very grateful for that silly helmet in that moment as it hid my face of sheer embarrassment, panic and horror! The boys in the car next to me just whistled and yelled at me with excitement-little did they know this was absolutely not an intentional trick. Meanwhile, Ben was laughing hysterically behind me.

Our favorite moments on the bike were cruising through town together. We loved getting all our gear on and heading out for a leisurely ride when our contrasting work schedules allowed us to. The occasional ice cream cone or burger and fries were always the icing on the cake! There is something very romantic about riding on the back of a bike while the love of your life drives and you get to sit there basking in the smell of his cologne that is whisked around you in the wind as you hold him tightly around the waist and get to enjoy the view-especially the sunsets! Needless to say it provided us with a cheap and fun hobby that very often became the main portion of our “date night” for the week.

Our little Honda Rebel 250 was our first baby, if you will. It was hard to sell it, but with moving to Colorado, we figured it was time to move on. We hope to get another bike-a bigger one sometime-sorry, Mom.

Our Honeymoon!

Ben and I had a VERY low-key honeymoon, which I was totally fine with because who needs a big fancy get-a-way when just being in your own apartment together and being together is new, exciting and entertaining enough. Apparently, it was VERY exciting because believe it or not (and this is the one I kick myself and vent to Ben most about), we do not have ONE picture of that ENTIRE week! Our honeymoon, first week as a married couple, our bed and breakfast getaway to Providence Inn-all those special things-NOTHING!!! (insert whatever newlywed joke you like here)

Being as I had no pictures I will share most of the week through writing and the few pictures I have in this post will be ones that I shamelessly stole from the internet, as well as others from later times in our married journey together when we went back to re-live our memories there at those places

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Ben and I took a week and a half off of work to simply be together and relax after all of the wedding planning and then the actual event had come to a happy and successful close. I LOVED being with him with no curfews or goodbyes or any interruptions of any kind-we even turned our phones off. So it was like we were the only two that existed-for that week anyway. We.loved.it.

From sunrise to sunset it was all about just me and my Ben. (The pictures above were the GORGEOUS views we enjoyed while out driving or sitting on our balcony at our apartment while talking and being together- (f you know me, you know how much I LOVE the sky-by FAR my favorite part of nature).

 Our 1st apartment was pretty humble, but at $450 a month including all utilities, views like this, and a nice open floor plan that was good for entertaining-VERY important, not to mention the glorious fact that it had 2 closets in the only master bedroom -it was our own little safe haven in the world and we could not have been any happier.

I still remember how much I LOVED waking up next to Ben every morning. Sleeping next to him every night was another story as he is a total cuddler and I like to sprawl out in my own space-especially in the summer-it is HOT! (I am NOT one of those girls that gets cold easily) I may or may not have called my mother at the end of the week telling her I needed to come home to catch up on sleep, because I was not getting a wink between letting Ben hold me while waiting for the opportunity for him to fall into a deep enough sleep that I could sneak away, just to have him grab me and hold me all the closer, while invading my side of the bed even further. I love him though so the sleepless nights were worth it (This seems to be a ritual with the boys I love and share a home with-Jayden as a newborn, Caleb as the whining puppy-good thing they are all so cute and fun to be with-and totally worth it). Ben and I have since worked out a system to meet both our needs. We cuddle and talk in bed for a bit then I stretch out and fall asleep and he cuddles with the body pillow(I call it his “girlfriend” or “night mistress”-although I must admit I am becoming more of a snuggler myself, and I think Ben prefers cuddling with me a bit more the his “night mistress”-at least he had better!

It was is so much fun to have a place all our own to just be together. (Don’t mind the crazy hair on the left-I had not tamed done it for the day yet and it is very curly and crazy naturally). It was fun to wake up and get ready alongside one another each day. Ben also liked taking really random pictures of me while I would get ready.

Most people say the beginning of marriage is hard as far as adjusting as such…I didn’t really notice (other than adjusting to sharing my space with a major cuddler at night-that was the only hard part), because I was too busy being excited about and enjoying living with my best friend. I think it helps that we are best friends and also how long we have known one another really helped with that. Having to share my space did have its perks though, like having my wardrobe get bigger with tons of comfy, good-smelling guy clothes to wear-my FAVORITE! (I think I still wear Ben’s clothes more often than my own and our laundry proves it-I can’t help myself, I LOVE wearing his clothes-I am wearing his sweat pants and one of his big t-shirts as we speak-point proven)

The morning after our wedding night we lay in bed just basking in the fact that we were now married and our life would now completely involve one another. Though I was out of bed pretty excitedly when I remembered all the gifts waiting for us in the front room (remember my whole "Christmas-loving-thing", well same story here. I LOVE opening gifts-who doesn't?). It took us literally hours to get through all of them and notate who gave us what for our thank you cards. We felt SO loved and everyone’s cards were so sweet! Ben and I kept saying things like "Wow, this is taking forever!" and "Holy cow! There are more hiding under the couch". We did not mind, however, since the only thing on our schedule was still a few days away-the following Tuesday when we had a reservation for Providence Inn (A PERFECT wedding gift from my parent's-might I add). We lounged, cuddled, watched movies, made and ate yummy food together-in OUR kitchen!,  talked and just enjoyed being together. I was grateful that after months of busy wedding business while juggling life, it wasn't a rush to finish the reception, to rush to the airport, to rush to some exotic location that we probably would not fully enjoy much of anything because of being plenty content just the two of us in some hotel room (TMI?-sorry, but it is the truth). We decided to save the BIG travels and trips for later anniversaries and just bask in the simple things and save our money because, why go extreme when the simple is just as new and exciting? I am now excitedly expecting and planning out those bigger trips just so you know, Ben.

The funniest story of our “wedding week” as we called it, was skipping out on our own ward and sneaking into another ward on the Sunday 2 days after we were married. I still remember my Mom telling me how awkward it was as she assumed everyone’s first thought when her and my Dad went to their ward for the first time just to have everyone sweetly ask, “So, when were you married?” and my Mom and Dad awkwardly replying, “Oh, yesterday”. Remembering my Mom telling me of the awkwardness of it all and wanting to avoid that whole “we were just married and it was obvious there was a big new connection taking place now in our relationship-which we believe only to be right in a married relationship would be pretty obvious to anyone who asked us when we were married” scenario. The fact that it went from being seen as sinful to a blessing and encouraged after a quick ceremony, made it all still a little new and awkward (maybe there is some benefit to leaving town for a honeymoon after all-no one knows you or will remember you there). Being the “silly blushing newlyweds” that we were we found a church house in town and hid in the back. Looking back now, I am aware of my silliness, but back then it was just the only thing that made us me comfortable. A little pathetic-I know, but I was a bit of a blushing bride…

These pictures were taken months later…just to give you an idea…

We enjoyed another day in OUR apartment and then headed to Providence (near Logan) to the Providence Inn Bed and Breakfast. After relaxing for a  few days, we were excited to get out together. Ben even let me blast my Celine Dion and sing through the entire canyon (I LOVE driving in the car, blasting my music, while singing at the top of my lungs). I still remember how good it felt to have the kind of love and story I had always dreamt about and enjoyed in her songs come to life. She has been my all time FAVORITE singer since I was about 10. For the first time in my life love and putting myself out there was finally worth it and felt so good-nothing short of a miracle if you ask me.

Not too long later (the nice thing about a close honeymoon spot) we arrived at our honeymoon getaway destination. I still remember thinking how beautiful and romantic of a location and setting Providence Inn was (thanks again Mom and Dad for starting the tradition-they go almost every year around Christmas time together and I can see why they love it so. Ben and I have already been back twice in the almost 5 years we have been married).

We stayed in the New Orleans Room and it was to-die-for elegant! It has such an ambiance about it. The pictures below definitely say it all:

We enjoyed Café Sabor (a yummy Mexican restaurant converted from an old train station) with special discounts for staying at Providence Inn that evening. Can’t beat good food and a great deal!

 

After arriving back at our room at the Inn, we relaxed and enjoyed movies in bed (the Illusionist and the Robin Hood with Kevin Costner as well as a few others), accompanied with LOTS of their famous chocolate chip cookies and cuddling, and of course loving baths as I do, I really LOVED relaxing in the majestic jetted tub!!!  The next morning we slept in and woke up to a scrumptious breakfast in bed!

After checking out we met up with Neil and Janette Lyman-a couple that served in Ben’s mission. We laughed and visited in their beautiful home for a while before they treated us out to lunch. It was so fun to get to know them and Ben’s mission experience as they reminisced over memories and stories. It was fun to hear about a chapter in his life I did not know much about. They sure seemed to love Ben and I definitely knew why! He is such an amazing, kind, compassionate and good person. I remember feeling so lucky that I got to be his and this sweet couple made sure to keep reminding me of that fact in case I forgot-not that I could!

We had some fun on the town after spending time with the Lymans before heading back home for a few more leisurely days before normal life had to pick back up-unfortunately. First we hit up Firehouse Pizza for a yummy lunch and of course fazooki’s and then headed to the mall for a little shopping. It.was.perfect.

The wedding and honeymoon were romantic and a success and started the core theme of our life together as husband and wife. Our beginnings as an “official” married couple up next!

Our Reception

Our reception was absolutely perfect (other than the DJ being about an hour late, and that it was not outdoors as I had always hoped-Mom was worried about the weather, but I don’t regret it-I LOVE that we had our reception the same place we met-it was so romantic) and I was glad we kept it nice a small so we did not have to stand there for as long and were able to dance and make the night more about each other rather than a bunch of other people (selfish-I know). My Mom still regrets not inviting more people, so I am sorry to all of those who were not there, we sort of underestimated how many invitations to get, but you know, I always wanted a small wedding, so it kind of worked out. I was LOVING being with Ben and showing off my catch to all those who were meeting him for the first time that night and also (shamefully) all the little girls “ooing” and “awing” over the dress, and romance and well-the entire wedding thing really.

I absolutely loved (and still do) how sweet Ben was is with me.

Love all these people so much! Thank you so much for all your love and support over the years. It has meant the absolute world to us! LOVE you ALL!

Parents, flower girls (Andrea and Lindsay), brides maids (Cami and Camille), and best man (Jon).

My side of the family (minus Ryan who was on his mission).

Ben’s side of the family (that could make it, that is-not many-still have yet to meet them all 5 years late-weird, especially to me since I have known all my siblings since their birth).

Cake time! They say how you handle the “feeding of the cake” to one another is how the marriage relationship will be, and I can tell ya that is pretty accurate-we still like to goof off, tease on another (all in good fun, of course) and play together. It is one of the biggest things that keeps our romance young, fun and alive!

We even let the parents in on all the fun!

Dancing the night away-by FAR my FAVORITE part of the evening! Our second first dance was SO special as we remembered our past and looked forward to our future!

Going for the garter! Ha ha, Ben still remembers me telling him, “pull it down a little first so you don’t have to go up my dress so far.” Good times and even better memories now-I tell ya!

Throwing the bouquet-those girls REALLY took it pretty seriously!

These were the bears at the guest book signing table (because, let’s face it-who really wants to sit at one of those things?-I personally would not, so I did not feel right making anyone else). These bears were the PERFECT greeters for our guests that night.

 We went on a date to build-a-bear when we were engaged (yet again…sadly no pictures) and designed these for one another. I designed the bride which Ben got to keep and He designed the groom (they were to give us something to cuddle with at night until we were married and could then cuddle with one another). We made them complete with all the bells and whistles available, including the “I love you, Ben” and “I love you, Danae” recordings that play when you squeeze on of the paws (a big hit with our Jayden these days-oh and he LOVES making them kiss one another-should I be worried?). Ben’s recording is all sweet and mine sounds a bit silly because of how ridiculous I felt (I have a very hard time with public displays of affection-I am getting better though) with everyone else around us at the build-a-bear workshop that night. Sure brings back good memories though as Ben remembers me blushing like a silly school-girl while recording it.

Ben’s siblings really got into the whole “let’s make the newly-weds feel awkward" theme complete with a special “honeymoon gift basket”. Being the oldest, Ben’s family took it upon them to make up for the fact that only they could humiliate us in that oh-so-special-way, they took the job pretty seriously!

 My family stuck to decorating our car and did a little too good of a job…let’s just say they used the “window-only markers” on the paint job as well and although we traded it in for our Chrysler a little over a year later, I am sure the white hearts are still there on the hood. Good thing it was a bit of a beater car to begin with and Ben and I didn’t mind too much thanks to the sentimental value and memories. We actually DID take pictures of it, but sadly I cannot find pictures, but trust me it was pretty hilarious! My siblings felt awful, the poor kids-I bet they never made that mistake again.

When we got to our apartment we were met with a little more than a few surprises…fun things like the light bulbs missing, all our furniture being re-arranged in the worst of places (I am pretty sure bruises were involved as we tried to find our way around crashing into things), Vaseline on all our door knobs, toilet paper everywhere, complete many embarrassing “honeymoon-related items”, tiny heart confetti and chocolate kisses! Those stinkers! I am not going lie, as crazy and unexpected and a little frustrating as it was, it had Ben and I laughing almost to the point of tears.

These same “villans” (Jon and his girlfriend, Elisabeth, Matt and his wife, Julie) volunteered to bring all our gifts over to our apartment since they had more room than us in our tiny little car obviously wanted to come see our reaction to their tricks.  While getting all the gifts inside (I tell ya, those gifts filled up our entire front room and then some-you could not even see the floor!), they tried to act surprised about the mess and to pretend it was not them before finally breaking down and laughing like little child pranksters basking in the glory of their craftiness, sneakiness and success and enjoying our reaction to it all. Their children came too and really got excited about the mess (especially the Hershey’s chocolate kisses-which were EVERYWHERE!).

His siblings were nice and did help us clean it up a bit, but then started making jokes like, “okay,now we are all gonna stay here and watch you open all these gifts.” and “I gave you the BIG gift.”and “You guys don’t have any plans for the night, do you?” and a bunch of awkward stuff like that. Ben and I just stood their awkwardly, not sure how to handle it all-on top of the typical wedding night anticipation. Elisabeth (now Jon’s wife) was sweet enough to tell them to cut out the teasing and head out, but needless to say it was all –in-all an eventful night (no pun-intended).

Friday the 13th of June 2008- The Happiest and LUCKIEST Day of OUR Life!

Danae Ahlstrom and Benjamin Luke Ostler for time and all eternity!

A couple days before our wedding day on Wednesday the 11th, I received my endowments in the temple. It was a VERY special day that I got to share with my close family and Ben, of course, but I sadly do not have any pictures, but have a pretty good excuse. You see, I became incredibly ill mid-session (lovely). I still remember praying I would make it through having no idea how to gage it since this was my first time. I could barely bask in the beauty of it all because all I could think about was rushing to a bathroom and being sick -cute memory, eh? My family went out to celebrate at Fazoli’s (one of my favorites) afterwards while I lay in Ben’s parent’s car wanting to die-I felt so nauseated. I knew my in-laws loved me before they were even officially my in-laws when they and Ben took their food to go so they could rush me home-LOVE THEM!!! I felt so horrible that I had to keep having them pull over so I could be sick while they were trying to eat their dinner-that is love right there! My maid of honor-Camille-was there when I got home and her face expressed everything I was feeling-Oh no! My wedding is in two days and I have NEVER been so sick! (until pregnancy later on, that is).  It was pretty bad for the night and then much to my relief-it subsided. Whew! I still have NO idea what it was. The only thing Ben, myself, family and Camille can conclude-NERVES! Why couldn’t I have just stuck to the traditional “cold feet”?

Feeling back to normal I did the only smart thing I could think of and basically pulled an all-nighter. Okay, maybe not the smartest thing, but I had a fun sleepover with my bridesmaids my sister Cami and my bestie Camille Stout-now Camille Hatch (she married a Ben too, we always talk about how much better life got once we found our Bens’). The night was complete with facials, pedicures and manicures and lot and LOTS of girl talk and giggles. It definitely made up for not having a bachelorette party (hard and awkward with mostly guy friends). I am pretty sure I only got a couple hours of sleep between the festivities and my excitement for the next day (it was like Christmas eve and I can NEVER sleep on Christmas Eve-even now).

When I woke up the next morning my stomach was FULL of butterflies, but thankfully-no bugs! I am pretty proud to say that I did my own hair and makeup (better and cheaper that way-I know how I like it), but saying to do it yourself may be a bit weird since I have also done other’s hair and makeup for their weddings. Anywho-tangent-you will get many of those throughout this blog I am afraid. I was so excited that my hair and makeup went perfectly-that usually only happens on the days I am not trying and then it totally bombs the times I really want to impress (does this happen to anyone else?). I could not help but giggle with excitement when Ben came to pick me up to take me to OUR WEDDING at the Bountiful Temple! I still get just as excited thinking about that moment.

I was so excited and caught up in the whole romantic and secure (if you know me-this is HUGE) feelings of being Ben’s wife. I could not believe how calm I felt (considering my nerves just a couple days before) right up until the temple came into view and I may have killed the romance a bit by saying things like “hold my hand, so I don’t run!” or “I will love you through the good and the bad, but if you ever cheat on me it is over.” (nice Danae, nice one),what can I say not every moment is perfect in life, right? Luckily for me Ben those feelings subsided and everything felt perfect the second he opened my door and took me by the hand and sheer excitement flooded me as we walked towards the beautiful temple followed by many smiling, loving and supporting friends giving the occasional “this is it!” thumbs up.

Getting married on Friday the 13th can be weird, I guess, but it has MANY perks, like being one of only 2 brides at the Bountiful Temple that morning-on a Friday-in June and I have always wanted to be married in June (“Oh they say when you marry in June, you’re a bride all you life”, by little brother, Kyle sang that song over and over that day…anyway…). It was PERFECT and laid back and easy-going and so my-style. My Mom helped me get ready and I could not help but feel so pretty and like a princess (never thought I would admit that). It was only moments later that I found Ben and we got to sit together in the special celestial room in the temple before our sealing. There was such a beauty and a peace as I lay my head on his shoulder while holding his hand while he gently stroked my fingers and he would occasionally softly and sweetly kiss the top of my head. Time seemed to stand still in that moment. It.was.perfect.

Things only felt better as we walked into the sealing room met by all of our closest friends and family. I felt nervous, but the second Ben would give my hand a little squeeze and just being with Ben for that matter, calmed those nerves and for most of it I felt as if we were the only ones in the room. The sealer even quoted Shakespeare (talk about perfect when you are talking about me-my good guy friend, Jarom Dilworth, even got me Shakespeare’s entire work collection for our wedding present-that is how much I LOVE his work). When it came time to share our first kiss I was a little nervous. The sealer had talked to us about “the kiss”  beforehand and had said that not enough kissing is sometimes weird and too much kissing is sometimes not good either-as if my nerves were not already there-sheesh!…so what was the “perfect kiss” for such a setting as this? Suddenly, I had wished we had rehearsed or something. When it came time for “that kiss”, I met Ben over the altar with one good solid peck (that should do it, I thought)…but then I got worried about it “not being enough kissing”, so I went back for another-as Ben was pulling away-of course. I had to awkwardly bring myself closer to him before he got the idea and met me for a second good solid kiss and the room was quickly filled with suppressed giggles as everyone tried to remain reverent. I thought it was a bit mortifying, but Ben and everyone else seems to still think it was pretty cute. So much for a woman’s elegance on her wedding day…now I am remembered as the silly, giddy, twitter-pated “cute” girl. Oh well, we all have our inner child, right? Just after the sealing I did another thing I promised myself I would not-I got teary-eyed. It was such a special moment in my life, with all of my closest friends and family there to love and support me and bask in the wonderfulness of it all, and all of that sort of just caused the feelings of my heart to flood over.

Afterwards, Ben and I went to our separate dressing rooms (but not before sharing a few kisses in the elevator) and got ready for our wedding pictures that were taken outside of the temple. I met him all giddy and excited-I WAS OFFICIALLY BEN OSTLER’S WIFE!!! (I had dreamt about such a moment even in High School)-kept going through my mind. I could hardly believe it! We were SO excited to be married to one another after all those years of friendship and romance.

We walked out absolutely BEAMING-can ya tell? My little sisters (see Lindsay in the bottom left corner-they were front and center for the whole picture-taking event) were so cute and so into the whole princess/bride thing. They kept telling me how pretty I looked and what a princess I was and wanting to hold my train and even followed us around to help with my dress and spread out my train for our pictures.

So happy to be married and to have so many of our friends and family there to support us! We missed having my brother Ryan there who left for the MTC (Missionary Training Center) just 9 days before the big day.

I loved taking pictures with Ben that day. We were so into the emotion of it all and the feelings of excitement that we shared that we hardly noticed our photographer which is good because he was able to capture us just as we are in our true element-not trying to pose for pictures. I LOVE them and the feelings that flood my heart as I remember that day. I LOVE this boy SO much! I am the luckiest girl alive!

SO happy and SO in love! I am happy to say that even with so many ups and downs over the years we can still say that!

Just look at my handsome…as I said I scored BIG time and am SO lucky!!!

The day was PERFECT (who says that Friday the 13th can’t be lucky?). The weather was sunny without a cloud in sight, accompanied by a light 65 degree breeze of perfection that blew my veil and hair just so, and the colors of the plants in that brilliant sunlight-don’t even get me started! It made for  PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL pictures to capture a PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL day!

Oh the passion!!!…and that is when our happily ever after as man and wife began and officially never had to end!

We then got into our Sunday clothes and were off to our wedding luncheon to meet up with everyone again. I was so excited holding Ben’s hand and imagining our life together…and future children…and all that fun mushy-gushy love stuff that comes with the newlywed territory as we drove to Layton to the Golden Corral. The luncheon  was yummy, but I was so excited about the page I had just turned in my life, I had a hard time focusing on anything else…that is until Ben kept introducing me to his family and saying things like “This is your niece and the baby she is holding is your great-niece”and stuff like that (may I remind you that Ben is the youngest of 17 children and I am the oldest of 10-it is SO weird going from being the oldest child, grandchild, great-granddaughter, etc. to being younger than all my nieces and nephews…what???). I went from not being an aunt at all to being the aunt of about 50 and the great aunt of over a dozen in one day-it.was.crazy.

After the luncheon we returned to our apartment to get ready for the reception that was to be held that evening at the very Stake center we shared "our second first dance", but not before my maid of honor, Camille took me shopping for some fun honeymoon items (you see when your mom and aunt throw your Bridal Shower-it was the same day as my engagement pictures-which I also sadly have no pictures of), certain items get left out which Camille told me would not be acceptable so she made sure I had all the “necessities” covered as a last minute gift before we headed to the Perry Stake Center.

It was fun getting ready for our reception together as official man and wife in our 1st official apartment (where I now lived with him-what? SO exciting!) Our reception was wonderful, but it deserves a post all of its own so that is up next!

Why?

I am sure many of you wonder why I have decided to go back and re-do my entire blog. The biggest answer: regret because of fear. My close friends and family have told me to share my story for a while now, feeling that if I do so, it will be a source of help, guidance and comfort to many. I am VERY hesitant to open up to others so I have held back sharing much more than a picture caption since I started my blog, keeping my emotions and the real story to myself. Another reason is a little more selfish but I also want the keepsake it could be for Ben, myself and our posterity.

Going back and catching up from 5 years ago is quite a project right now. I am anxious to get it all caught up so I can be writing in real time again and have a goal of being able to do so by our 5 year wedding anniversary in June. I thought it would make a nice gift for Ben and I and hopefully our posterity. I want people to know who Ben and I truly were and are and I want our experiences to help others through their paths in their own lives. By so doing I feel that our life will be enriched and our legacy will carry on. I am SO grateful I write in my journal once a week (and have done so for years now) so I can look to that to help me be able to perfectly depict the feelings, emotions and thoughts that have followed Ben and I in our experiences through the years. I just know there is no way I would remember all of the treasured details to truly bring to life the memories without it.

Ben and I have been through so much (as our close family and friends know) and I just thought that sharing our many experiences could help others relate to and get through challenges they are facing in their own lives. After all, the only benefit of going through hard times (besides the growth of course) is being able to not only sympathize with others, but truly empathize. There is a great power and gift in being able to do that for someone. In a very big way, it makes going through the struggles worth it and turns times of weakness into cherished tales of strength.

Ben and I have been blessed with SO much in our life and we are so grateful for that-the Gospel, being sealed as a family forever, loving and supportive friends and family, our temporal as well as our spiritual needs being met, a beautiful home, our wonderful and happy son, Jayden, adventure, fun and laughter, and the many many others. We also realize that much of that is thanks to that little bit of hard we all go through from time to time. Those trials are what lead to our blessings and happiness at the end of the road as they help us grow and develop into our best selves. Much like that piece of coal which after much pressure and time, does indeed become that radiant diamond, or the caterpillar that just as it thinks it is all ending, turns into a butterfly- or the darkness you think you will never see the end of, only to be met with a beautiful and hopeful sunrise. It is such a blessing to know that we have a loving Father in Heaven who not only sent his Son to earth to die for us, but that he has also given us an atonement through Christ’s sacrifice that not only does that help us overcome sin, but it helps us to overcome pain and sorrow as well-a part of the atonement I think can be much harder to remember and embrace. What a comfort to know we all have a friend in our elder brother who has already taken on our fear and pain so he could help us to overcome it. We all have our own battles in life that seem overwhelming and impossible at times-I know because many of those same emotions of hopelessness and defeat have consumed so much of my own life-especially that past couple years, and although I am still waiting for much of it to let up and get better, I have faith that if I endure and do everything I can to live in a way that invites the spirit into my life while I serve and help others it will come when it is best for me and may family and happiness will be all the more rich.

I love the picture by Greg Olsen (below). It reminds me of how we are always going to be taken care for by our Savior just as we should nurture and take care of one another. I have been very cared for in my life and this blog is my way of paying-it-forward.

Although right now it is a bit overwhelming and time-consuming (especially with being a full-time mommy, student, and homemaker), I know that the final result will be well worth my time, energy and sacrifice. I hope you all enjoy the posts and don’t get too overwhelmed with how frequent they are as I get all caught up.

I would like to end with a post from my old blog and so many of you have probably already seen it, but I wanted to post it again here, because it sums up so very much of what I am feeling now and the main purpose behind this blog. Sadly, I did post this months ago and am finally beginning it, but I guess you could just see it as a New Year’s Resolution of sorts, and I think starting over with an all new blog is going to be best. Really wish I had started this years ago, but life is all about living and learning, right?

Cheers to the beginning of a new blogging experience! As of today, I have decided it is time to be brave and am turning our blog into my journal&scrapbook rather than just the scrapbook with captions you all knew before. :) I have not done this in the past because I keep a personal journal separate from my blog due to wanting to keep my thoughts and feelings more private, but the more I think about it, the more I want to reach out and share not just the facts and photos of our life together, but the emotion and meaning as well. :) I am pretty excited about this new adventure/ambition of mine! I hope it is still a site and a blog you all enjoy. :) There will be less pictures and more words, but that is what a blog is meant to be after all...I guess I am finally joining the ranks! ;)

I would like to start this new direction of my blog with this beautiful picture. I took this picture the other night while stopped at a red light with a little more than I care to have on my mind in the category of the unknown as well as the hard emotions weighing on my heart in life right now. For me, it really seemed to be my Father in Heaven telling and teaching his little girl to "stop", let go of the hurt, fear, sorrow and doubt and embrace the light of love, courage, joy and hope.

This beautiful moment that captured the world Heavenly Father has created for us, reminded me of how no matter how dark the clouds of life may seem...there is always light. In a way the darkness and the clouds, with light, can make the whole picture even more breath-taking than if there were no clouds at all. You just have to look for the light, focus on the light and embrace the light...for that is where true courage, strength, beauty, peace, joy, faith and love truly are.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

We would like to wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day! We hope it is filled with love and joy as you gather those you love close.

It has been 5 years since I said “yes” to a boy on a bridge asking me to marry him and I am so grateful for that boy and my decision to be with him for time and all eternity. We feel SO blessed to know that we get to be together forever. What an amazing blessing and gift from our Heavenly Father. So grateful for The Gospel for the powerful tool it is in our making our marriage happy and successful. I love you SO much Benny Boo! Thank you SO much for all you do and are!

The love in our hearts for one another and life only increased at the arrival of this sweet little blessing from heaven. We love you SO VERY much Jayden! Thanks for being such a big light in what can often times be a very dark world. We are so blessed to get to be your parents and we would not change a thing about you. We definitely won the jackpot with you as a son.

Last, but not least a VERY special shout out to my 2 FAVORITE valentines and the loves of my life---HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, BOYS!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF! Thanks for being mine.

Bridals…and “Groomals”

I had fun with my bridals and here are my favorites:

The formal ones…

..as well as the ones that are a little less traditional and a little more me.

Being the non-traditional way I am and thinking it is weird to only have pictures of the Bride, I demanded that some “groomals” be taken as well. :) There were 2 things I was adamant about as far as my wedding went and that was that there would be music and dancing if there was going to be a reception and I wanted some pictures of my handsome to go with my bridals. I am SO glad I did!

Isn’t he handsome…I scored BIG time!!!

Someone once told us that we would have adorable children. This is funny to me because as I got to know some of Ben’s (he is the youngest of 17 children after all-spread all over the country) nieces and nephews I would always tease him that I was only marrying him because cute babies ran in the family. I think our little Jayden proved that theory quite well…(the theory of cute babies, that is, not the theory that that was the only reason I had to marry him-there were and still are many, MANY others).