The Depth of Me

I don’t know how many will read this, or who might judge it or mock it, but this blog is mine and this is my voice and if it helps even one person, then writing it is worth it to me. I am diving into the part of this blog that scares me, but one that I feel very inspired to share. We all have our times of heartache and trial in life and the two things that can turn that negative experience into something I believe is truly beautiful is by two blessings I believe come through the grace of God and the gift of the atonement.

1. The growth within our character from whatever experience we have gone through and survived because of strength.

2. Being able to help and serve others through similar struggle with the power of compassion and empathy and the words of advice to truly make a difference and aid that growth, change and triumph in another.

Number two is my biggest reason for sharing my story and opening it up to the public, but it is because of number one that I am even able to, so both play a key role in what I believe to be the greatest blessing through our trial. I honestly feel that the only thing that makes going through something difficult truly worth it all, is being able to help someone else get through it as well. There are so many different trials we can face in life, but the one I want to share with you is that of child sexual abuse.

I have never written this out before, but for those of you who didn’t know-I was sexually abused as a child. It started when I was 3, so I don’t honestly remember much of who I was before, and that is and always has been the hardest part for me. I do not plan on going into detail as to who it was, as I have forgiven them, but was fortunate enough to not have it be anyone close to me like family-I cannot even imagine what that must be like-and for that I am grateful and am so sorry for any of those who have had to go through that. My experience with abuse went on for years-5 to be exact, and although this may seem really strange to those who do not understand the inner workings of abuse,  I always thought they were just a bad dream I had and that it could not possibly have happened, although I still had my suspicions, the fact was always easier to deny and forget…that is until I came to know the truth of my past my freshman year of college. My.world.fell.apart.

I will not go into a lot of detail other than the feelings and healing involved. I remember wondering who I was, who I could have been, what I had lost, if it was my fault, why I was meant to suffer through such a thing, where my Father in Heaven was during that time and why he let it happen to me, if I could ever get past it and live a normal and healthy life with marriage and a family, and how to figure out what had happened to me as I felt I had to recall the details to be able to move past it. If you or someone you know is feeling of this darkness please know for yourselves or tell them-you are special. You are the victor of your challenges not the victim of them and you have the potential to be better than you could have been because of them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from your experiences. It is absolutely not your fault. You were not meant to suffer but to thrive gloriously. Our loving Father in Heaven is there watching, comforting, longing for each of us to meet the challenges he allows to come into our lives so that we can become our best versions of ourselves and through our faith, diligence and endurance obtain glory with him forever. You can and will get past it and you will live a beautiful life full of joy if you can allow the spirit of love and the atonement of Christ to heal you and by so doing marriage and a family are indeed possible. The details do not matter-don’t put yourself through that-if you can accept what has happened and choose to grow because of it those are the only details that matter.

If nothing else, please just know how truly loved and strong you must be to be entrusted with such a hardship and loose yourself in that positive thinking as you help others to do the same. I promise you, if you do this, not only will you get through the trial, but you will find joy in the journey and you will even enjoy the blessing of such a trial. I know it is hard to see at first when you are feeling used and worthless and “broken” as I used to often think of myself, but these are not the thoughts our Heavenly Father wants you to have for yourself-nor are they true. They are the inner workings of Satan hoping such an event will leave you miserable, like unto himself. Cast out the fear and the doubt and embrace the light, peace, joy and love with all the energy you have within you and I promise you, they will be yours.

I have been so blessed to find a man who has accepted me and loved me for all that I am. I had never really liked the physical side of relationships. This may sound weird but it was more of a chore and my due diligence in the relationship than anything else. I will never forget one night that all changed when Ben and I were sitting in his car talking one night and he reached for my hand. I cringed a little not knowing if I wanted him to or not. The feelings that came over me where so surprising. He gently began stroking my fingers and I could not help but feel special and cared for. I looked up meeting his eyes that were filled with love, compassion and selflessness showing no personal gain-just wanting to make me feel good. I will never forget the sweetness in his eyes. It was the first time that I felt completely safe and completely good while being touched and I wanted to freeze that moment in time for fear I would never feel that love and beauty again.

I have always struggled with relationships and the fear of opening up and being intimate with someone. That struggle intensified with Ben as I realized that this time I would be allowing someone into my life in an even more intimate way and…forever. Although I felt so strongly of it being right to be with Ben and I would be safe and loved and cared for, fear still snuck in at times and honestly still does. I still remember telling Ben in the middle of our engagement that I did not know if I could go through with the marriage because of the intimacy. I was too afraid to tell him my real concerns like being worried intimacy would trigger my horrible, terrifying flashbacks and would leave me unable to satisfy Ben in that way, and that I could never be a good enough marital partner because I thought I was too damaged. He looked at me with a very concerned look on his face, and gently gave my hand he was holding a loving squeeze, but said nothing about the topic before taking me home. I was so worried he was going to break it off for fear I would never be able to commit to him on that level. It is so hard to open up and be honest, but I felt I owed Ben that much regardless of my fear of doing so.

A few days later he asked me if I was wondering what he was thinking that night-of course I was, but I did not know if I wanted to know or not. He gently and sweetly took my hand and while looking me in the eyes told me, “Danae, I wanted to make sure I really thought it through before talking to you, because intimacy is a big deal to me and a part of life I want to share with you when we are married, but if being married to you meant I could never have that in my life-I still want to be with only you. If that means we spend the rest of our life cuddling together, that will be enough for me.” I was so overwhelmed with his love and respect for me and what I was going through and it felt so good to know I was still wanted. Once I knew it was not required or expected, I was able to find that desire for myself, knowing this time it was my choice. There was a great healing that came in that moment because of my best friend and the man that I loved so much then and even more deeply now.

I share this intimate part of my life because it is such a huge aspect of what makes Ben and I who we are as a couple and also to give those of you wondering if you will ever make it to a successful intimate marriage, that is is more than possible and you are worthy of such love, for that is truly how God designed it to be. Please don’t ever let yourself give up on that. Ever. I will forever be grateful to the Lord and Ben for bringing so much grace and beauty to something that once only brought darkness into my life. Don’t ever let the way Satan twists the divine gifts and blessings God has intended for his children into something, dark and evil. Satan is good at doing that and we have to fight to keep that virtue and make sure that the good is protected and rings the most true.

Make the good-Christ, Our Father in Heaven, the atonement, the Gospel and Love the biggest part of your life and I promise you, you will find and obtain all that you are hoping for in your life. I am not promising you there will not be times that you struggle with it-I still do, but by knowing how to apply these concepts and ideals you can conquer that as well as any problem you may come across in life with success.