Ready for two massively huge photo posts? Because I am summing up all of our spring time fun through the next two posts. Although spring of 2012 was filled with tons of fun with dates, birthdays, family, and friends, among many other things, it was also a very trying month. It was the first month we really started struggling financially. We were expecting Ben to bring in three to four thousand dollars a month with his new job, but instead we were pulling in a little over a thousand. Our monthly bills totaled about two thousand with the bills for Jayden’s delivery and surgery. It was so stressful, but we tried to stay faithful, and began fasting and paying our tithing, all while praying earnestly for things to get better. Little did we know this trial of ours would last over a year. We are still in the process of digging our way out of it. At one point foreclosure papers were drawn up on our house, and I still remember sitting on the couch in complete tears, watching our sweet little baby playing with toys on the floor, all while wondering if we would be able to keep the roof over his head, and give him the life I so longed to give him. It makes me scared to have more children for fear of taking care of them. We began to fear answering our phones, or getting the mail with all the bill collectors. Our life seemed to just be turned upside down in a way we never saw coming, and soon we were really doubting our decision to not take the job offer in Colorado where money would have been steady, even though we felt prompted not to. It was very faith trying, and as much as I hate to admit it, more than once I let myself feel abandoned by a God I used to trust and believe in. I found a new weakness I did not even know existed in me, and soon getting through the day became a new every day struggle. Nothing seemed real, and I wondered every second of every day if things would ever be normal again. Aspiring to mediocrity was never a goal I saw for myself in my life. Savings got us by for a little while, and then credit cards, and when nothing was getting better and our situation got worse, family and friends stepped in and were there for us.
This is not something I ever thought I would want anyone to know (let alone write about online), but then I thought about the many others that are probably going through the same thing, and I am hoping that sharing our story can bring others hope. I have a new respect for those who struggle financially. It takes its toll physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and this one struggle was what seemed to rule and reign our entire existence in the most frustrating and depressing of ways. Ben and I experienced a new level of stress within our home and marriage. Suppressing all of our varying emotions worked, until it didn’t, and then emotions seemed to blow up. I just want to say to hang in there together no matter what toll this stress can take. Be loving and supportive of your spouse no matter what you are dealing with personally and remember you are a team. Ben and I found a freedom from the craziness by trusting in the Lord, and by being there for one another, although this is a goal that takes a lot of work and patience. One thing that got me through was remembering that it was just a temporal struggle, and the money stress would not matter in the here after, but what would matter was how I dealt with it and treated my spouse throughout it. I really tried hard to stay positive. Some days were better than others, but I always managed to pick myself up and keep on going. I am a perfectionist, and although I often wish I could say I was stronger through it all, I am going to be proud of myself for always picking myself up and trying again when I would become weak and let myself fall. It has probably been the hardest experience of my life, but I am happy to say things are finally looking better. Although, with the struggle the last year, we are in the process of digging ourselves out of debt.
On a much more positive note, family and friend support has been incredible the past year, and is very much the reason we have any hope of a chance and a house still today. From help financially, to random packages of clothes, diapers, and toys for Jayden at our doorstep, to a nice washer/dryer set anonymously being delivered to us after ours washer had been broken for six months, to dinner dates on the town to remind us to have fun with Grandma and Grandpa Durfee, to help from my parents with things I needed for school, to groceries from family, to my brother Casey buying Jayden a new car seat when he outgrew his old one, to countless others. It was and still is so embarrassing to me. To the point where I literally felt like a wart on the face of planet, and that it would be better if I did not exist at all. Life became so serious and hard, and seemed so impossible to get through. I am so independent and love being in control and the past year has completely taken that from me, but I am so grateful for the love and support my family and friends my family and I have received this past year. We are looking forward to paying it back tenfold, and of course paying it forward, since we feel we have gone through this so we can be more empathetic when helping others. So here is my cheers for moving ahead to much happier days with the added growth I have gained through my experiences with this trial. I still do trust in the Lord, and I think I am beginning to understand his purposes in giving me and my family this trial.
On that note, here are the happy highlights of our life during that first hard month. Proof that there is still always something to smile about.
How Jayden used to LOVE to sleep-bum in the air. The same way I would sleep as a baby. Have I ever mentioned he also LOVES stuffed animals just like Mommy too?
Spending a day with my family.
Jayden took up wrestling at quite a young age much to Uncle Derek’s pleasant surprise.
My brother Jared’s sprained ankle. Can you say ouch?
Jayden’s aunties sure love their little nephew!
Having fun with Grandpa and his silly faces.
His toy got caught on the Velcro of his helmet, which brought on the cutest giggles when he would wiggle his helmet and see and feel it shake back and forth. Ben and I were laughing so hard right alongside him! It is little moments like these that kept us going. Having a baby made the financial struggle harder in a way, but in another way I feel we never would have made it without him and the joy and perspective he brings into our life!
Dinner and games with Keely and Clark Harper!
Our family’s chocolate syrup slip n’ slide. I was SO bummed I did not know it was going down, and I was not wearing clothes I was willing to destroy in the process. Needless to say, this was the day that a chocolate slip n’ slide made my bucket list!
Then came the spray off session. Cami really got her fellow friend Aaron. Poor guy, he must really love her!
After the spontaneous slip n’ slide, it was on to the main event-the hot dog roast!
Can you believe the money (or lack of) that Ben was making, and still his work phone followed him everywhere? SO lame! Thinking about it really makes me grateful for the job he has now with the Post Office. He is working less than he ever has and is making more than he ever has. Plus, he LOVES it! Win-win-win!!!
While my bestie Camille attended a meeting up here in Ogden, I got to watch her adorable son Mattix! Jayden was SO jealous and mad at first, but luckily took a nap the entire time I was watching him. He is such a cutie!
Once Mattix had his own Mommy again, the boys had a lot of fun together.
Double date with Cami and Aaron.
The boys took it pretty seriously-especially Jayden.
Cami and Grandma stopped by after a girl’s lunch, to see our new place and say hi.
Who can blame him? Playing is hard work!
Jayden always loves pictures of Jesus. Jesus was one of his first words. He sat on my lap and stared at this picture of Christ this particular night for a good forty-five minutes. Babies and children amaze me! They have the sweetest spirits and we can learn so much from them.
Both Christ and Jayden are such a blessing in our life.
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